What is My Past Telling My Future?

I Find it interesting to reflect on the times when I have felt the most conflicted, the most broken, the most stumped, the most hurt, the most burdened, or the most clouded. For some of these experiences, I find myself wanting to burry these memories forever, wishing they never happened. Others, I find myself wanting to re-live those times knowing that those burdens hardly compare to the ones I face now.

This intentional retrospective reflecting allows me to see myself in a way that I don't typically take time to see. I place an emphasis on the intentionality of this exercise, because if we are not careful, we can find ourselves living in a trap where we obsess about the past, inadvertently allowing this habit to divert our future. However, when I do this with the intent of learning about myself and the experiences that I have had, I open a beautiful window of perspective into my soul. With this illuminated window, I can see things about myself that I can begin to use, refine, re-direct, or change completely, that will allow me to become an even better version of myself now, today, and in the future.

An example of this that has played out in my professional life has opened an interesting revealing component of my character. In the later end of 2017, I attended my basic military training at Fort Leonard Wood Missouri. As many people know, part of basic combat training is experiencing what is called "the gas chamber". Leading up to this experience for me was quite interesting. Among the normal jitters stemming from the imminent pain, I was about to feel, along with the usual scare tactics used by the Drill Sergeants to paint a very clear picture of why this training is critical for survival; I began to analyze the intent of this exercise. I wondered, is this just a good time for our leadership to watch us breakdown? Was this really a necessary procedure that provided excellent circumstances under which we could learn, by way of consequence, the importance of proper application and donning of our gas masks? Was this experience supposed to generate a rite of passage, having had to muster, individually and collectively, an amount of internal fortitude, giving us the ability to be in and endure circumstances that the typical human being would rarely willingly subject themselves to? As I began to look around me, I noticed that I was surrounded by many other soldiers who were dealing with their own conflicting thoughts as they lay in wait for the climax of this experience.

Due to my faith, I couldn't help but think that there was something of great value in this experience. I began to be curious about what I could personally have to gain from this. While the likely answer to my above internal questions is a "yes" probably with varying explanations, rationales, and intentions. I became a lot more invested in what direct contribution this experience would have for the building of me, my character. Afterall, we couldn't get out of it, all of us had to go through it, and should we protest (which some did) we were met with a different form of painful motivation to keep us on track. I allowed the thought of hundreds of thousands of other soldiers before me, being built by and experiencing this same adversity, to fuel my curiosity, excitement, and courage for what lay ahead.

Having donned our gas masks we entered the chamber, which was already filled with the chemical chloroacetophenone, intended to resemble tear gas. I soon found out that my mask was not sealed properly. I was getting a steady stream of gas flowing into my eyes and into my nose and mouth from the left side of my mask. As we went through a number of procedures with our masks on, I knew that there was going to be a time when we would then have to take our masks off, and re don them as we had been instructed. Having had my small dose to the gas creating an involuntary cough in me already, I anticipated greatly what it would be like to have the full dose of this gas. I forced myself to remember my thoughts from before, this helped me to endure and do so with a calm demeanor. Yes, this experience was quite unpleasant, but as we exited the gas chamber some of us with uncontrollable excretions exiting our nasal cavities, while others evacuated the contents of their stomach, with most people echoing sighs of relief between their violent coughs and other unflattering noises; I was left with an overwhelming overtone of amazement and gratitude. This was a highly anticipated, anxiety inducing event, I had been able to see how my mortal body accompanied with my mind and spirit reacts to this adversity. I got to feel my being function in much less than optimal circumstance, and to do it successfully. No, it was not pretty, no one was, but we all did it! What an empowering perspective! We are truly remarkable. God has made us with tremendous capabilities and potential. Hundreds of thousands of soldiers have endured and continue to endure such circumstances, and this is just in training.

Fast forward to 2022, I found myself in similar circumstance while attending a corrections academy. As we all stood in line waiting with tremendous anticipation of being sprayed in the eyes with oleoresin capsicum spray (O.C. Spray), I found myself performing a personal intentional reflective exercise. Reflecting on my similar experience with the gas chamber. having this reflection contributing to my experience, I entered this new adversity with confidence, courage, and commitment. The commitment was to my future self, to learn more about myself. I knew that this experience would generate an immense amount of pain that could last upwards of thirty minutes or more. I hyper focused on triggering thoughts generated by pain, impulses to gain control, impulses to go out of control; all while working through the given scenario we had to accomplish and working through the decontamination procedures. Call me crazy, but I would do this one again! I learned so much! If I had not utilized an intentional method of learning about myself and how I handle this kind of adversity, I would not have been prompted to be so hyper focused on my own personal development and growth through this experience. Being placed in this real environment illuminates thoughts, behaviors, reactions, and what feels like involuntary responses, that simulated environments simply don't have the capability to produce. (This may sound like I am advocating for placing yourself in difficult circumstances. This is not necessarily the case, that will likely happen for you, as it has me, naturally, but please at least know there is value in your challenges).

I had many take aways from this second experience, here are just a few. I learned that pain can equal growth. What I perceived the experience to be like, prior to the actual experience was completely different. This has helped me to get into the "take action phase" of an idea faster, spending less time in the "fantasizing phase" of my thought process. I learned that serving others even when I am in that kind of pain proved to be my best pain killer. It also instilled in me a sense of purpose and added a much greater value to the overall experience. I learned that we all handle pain in our own way, but we can still encourage and unify with each other to create circumstances for more optimistic endurance, thus creating grounds for more optimistic outcomes.

Perhaps at some point I will more thoroughly articulate some of the incredible, even spiritual, experience that I have had between these two events in my life, however, the intent of this article is to illuminate the beauty of our past, when we use it purposefully with good intentions, it can provide marvelous potential growth for our futures.

Take some time, think about some of the difficult times in your life, reflect on them. What qualities did you have during those times that you are proud to have had and would carry with you as you pursue the best version of yourself. What qualities would you like to leave behind. Perhaps you become pessimistic during difficulty, how can you change this into optimism. Maybe you are already optimistic but rely heavily on others to get you through the challenge. How can you steer yourself towards contributing more or increasing your abilities. I don't have the answers for you, but I promise that there will always be something good that you take with you

into your future, even if it is simply an understanding of the need to change.

I hope this article finds you well, I hope this adds value to your challenges, I hope it gives them meaning in your life. When we allow our adversities to build us, they become worth it! If we allow them to defeat us, then we truly have fallen into the despair of our circumstances.

Let's work together! If you need help working through this process, connect with us today. If you have a similar story or tools you use to allow your past to build your future while using them both in the present, please share! What a remarkable life we have! let's choose to grow intentionally together!

-Justin